LOVE, Love, love…
With Valentine’s day this week, you’d be hard pushed to avoid thinking about love this week! And why would you want to avoid it? Love is lovely after all! But of course, I realise that for a lot of people Love is a double-edged sword – it’s wonderful when we have it, but can be miserable when we don’t – or when it’s on its way out.
There are so many things to say on the topic of Love, but this article really is for those that don’t have it, and wish that they had, or those that feel it’s on the way out their lives, and are not really sure how they feel about that.
Many of my clients come to me at the end of a relationship, feeling a bit broken and bruised by the ending, whether or not it was them who instigated it. Endings are rarely easy, simple or straightforward, even when relationships may have been relatively short. As aside from all of the practical ending stuff: belongings being removed, more time on your side, less laundry… the emotional ending stuff can be pretty hard to shake off.
Questions that can start to come up tend to look inwards at oneself – ‘what’s wrong with me?’, even if you know that they weren’t right for you. And a little bit of introspective reflection is a good thing, we are not psychopaths after all. But it really doesn’t help us to direct all our energies inwards, as this creates negative self talk, which prevents us from finding Love again in the future.
Some clients come to me directly saying that the sole reason they want to work with me is to find the Love of their life. They tell me that they’re ready, and all the things that they have done to try to meet this significant other. I listen to what they’re saying, but I hear their lack of readiness. What they are telling me is how they are on a mission to lose the weight, be fitter than ever before in their life, move house, get the promotion, and therefore earn more money, or even meet with an image consultant. What they are telling me is how they must change themselves before they meet this other person who is going to rock their world for the rest of their lives.
I have news for you, and them. This isn’t true. What they are really telling me is that they are not in love with themselves, that there is something (even if it’s only tiny) wrong with them, that no one can love them just as they are, warts and all – and it’s because they don’t. It sounds cliche I know, but cliches have to start somewhere.
Self-Love. It really is the biggest deal there is, in every aspect of your life, but majorly in the area of loving relationships. Why though? For a start, you really don’t want to attract someone if you have an inner self-loathing, or even a minor ‘not good enough’ theory. If this is where we are starting a loving relationship from, then we are in some way hoping that this other person will fix us, complete us, or be the making of us in some way. No one can do that for you, except you.
Always remember: You are not broken, You have nothing lacking.
And it’s a weird thing isn’t it Self-Love? What is it? How do you do it? Can you get it wrong?!
Well, it’s quite simple really. Offering ourselves love, forgiveness, compassion, positive self-regard, time – all the things we offer to our family members and to our friends. You can’t get it wrong, just turn down the inner crap-channel, and offer yourself the same respect that you would offer your best friend: you deserve it, AND no one else is going to do this for you, until you start doing it for yourself.
Once you start doing this, you will start to notice those around you treating you differently. And this helps you to see others from a different perspective also. It is only with the new energetic perspective, eyes wide open, that you will really be ready for Love. With your expanded self-respect and glow from the inner Love, you allow the real you to be seen from the outside, and people will be more attracted to this true you.
Happy Valentines Day!