Confrontation – or is it?
When conversations feel confronting, are you really listening?
In any relationship, personal, work, with anyone – who might be offering us feedback or constructive criticism about one element of us, our behaviour or our action, what happens?
Circumstances are relevant
How we’re feeling now – on the day this is happening, have we had a good day up to this point? If we are in a good mood, feeling confident, happy with ourselves, it can be no problem at all.
But if we’re a bit low, a bit unsure, stressed – what happens?
But so is our history
Our brilliant minds may not even be in this moment. They are drifting back to our childhood, our lifetime of experience, getting out a whole filing cabinet of stuff that ‘might’ be relevant in this situation – except most often, it’s not.
It’s just a whole load of ‘remember when… this is more evidence incoming to add to your not enough-ness’
Our inner child can get really hurt, even before the other person opens their mouth to speak. We can be bracing ourselves for a confrontation.
What we hear internally is something like: you’re wrong, you’re not clever enough, you’re not pretty enough, I don’t want to be your friend. You’re not enough. There’s something wrong with you.
So what can we do?
Are you listening? What did they really say?
Ask them to repeat it back to you.
Can you receive the words in a position of neutrality?
And try to remember that usually this person in front of you actually cares enough about you to talk to you about this. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t even raise it!
They want you to be better, they want to understand you and where you’re coming from more clearly – they basically LOVE you enough to bring this up.
Of course the other person may not always be right, but again – listen. They have been loving enough to raise this with you. Have a conversation about it, rather than a confrontation.
Does this happen to you?
It was happening yesterday for a client I’m working with – at work, at home, even with her kids.
She was beginning every conversation thinking she was about to be attacked.
Stuck in a state of fight or flight, boy was she emotional, exhausted, angry and sad.
Have you read Mastering Nervous System Regulation: 5 Effective Techniques for Your Wellbeing?
Reaching that position of neutrality can be really difficult if your nervous system is shot! Give some of the techniques in that article a go, and remember what I said about the other person in the conversation – they are offering you something, listen to what that is, and then decide whether you accept their gift or not.
If you’re struggling to Calm the $@#% down – please book in for this session with me! Who knows what it could do for your conversations!
